“At a time you cared about him,” Nate explains. “Even though he changed, you can only see the old side of him. The side that you used to know.”
She shakes her head. “He tried to kill me. It shouldn’t be like this.”
“It’s normal to feel this way after surviving a trauma like the one you went through. Think of it as a different form of ‘survivors guilt.’ It’ll pass.”
Kensi tosses her arms up in the air. “When?”
“When you find something worth moving on for.”
She stops pacing and looks to the floor. Kensi knows what he’s insinuating, she just isn’t positive that she’s ready to acknowledge it yet.
Nate does it for her.
“Have you spoken to your partner since you got home?”
“What am I supposed to say to him, Nate?” she exclaims. A teardrop rolls down her cheek but she furiously flicks it away. “That I killed my ex-fiance? That I feel bad about it? That he was a terrorist? How am I supposed to explain any of this to him?”
Nate swallows hard, thinking. “I don’t know, Kensi.”
She nods grimmly. “Exactly.”
“But-” he continues.“-there is something I do know.”
“And what’s that?” she asks, her voice hoarse.
He sits forward on the couch and looks up at her with wide eyes. “I know that you’ll find a way to tell him, and I know that he wants to listen.” Fresh tears spring into Kensi’s eyes. “That’s all he wants.”
“How would you know?”
“Because I know him, and I know you.” She bites her lower lip and folds her arms. “And you can tell how much he cares, Kensi. All he wants is for you to let him in.”
“But what if I’m not ready?” she asks, more quietly this time. “What if I get in over my head and I ruin it for the both of us?”
“Our thing!” Nate lifts his eyebrows and leans back against the couch. Kensi gasps slightly and widens her eyes the minute the words escape her lips. “I mean our… our partnership!”
He appears unfazed by her correction. “Telling Deeks how you feel isn’t going to ruin anything. It’s going to fix it. That’s the only way.”
“But I wasn’t, I mean-“
“I think you know exactly what you said, Kensi.” She inhales sharply as Nate stares up at her, eyes wide. “And I think he should too.”
Once the wheels of the aircraft touch the ground, he grabs her hand. It’s an instinctive movement, one that he second guesses immediately. But Kensi doesn’t mind.
She glances over at him and smiles, squeezing his fingers between her own. Deeks replicates the gesture immediately as Sam and Callen look on in silence. They can see how much both people are hurting, and they can see how much both people have changed.
They aren’t hiding anything. They aren’t faking anything. They’re just living, because they know now that they can.
The future hasn’t always been that clear for either one of them.
He continues holding her hand and leads her off the plane, walking slowly and steadily down the steps and onto the tarmac. It seems so surreal to be back home, as Kensi had genuinely believed that she’d never be returning.
During her detainment she’d dreamt about this day, about what it would feel like when her feet hit the pavement and the warm air filled her lungs.
It’s just about as wonderful as she’d imagined, but far more satisfying with Deeks by her side.
“You good?” he asks, for about the millionth time.
Kensi knows that she’s not, and she knows that it’s gonna take a long time to get to the point where she can answer that question whole heartedly. But she also knows that she will be soon enough, and that for now she just has to try and look forward to that day- even if it means telling little white lies in the interim.
So rather than trying to explain this complex mix of emotions to her partner, Kensi simply smiles and nods.
Cute! Smile! Deeks!
'Six more weeks of winter.'
Awesome NCIS LA explosions 1/?
Eric Beale + his flute - 5.16 “Fish Out Of Water”